good morning life

i have been swinging life away one opportunity after another. savoring the now, never thinking of the later. never seizing the presence and taking it in my hands, but always floating by with it. i have slept for 5 years, and now i need to be awakened. now i have God on my side, and a home that has my heart. i have started with a clean slate. but like waking up in the early morning, my reaction is slow and painful. i am soo tempted to regress, not try, not do anything. swing life and all its glory away. this pressure i have put on myself is just too mcuh. for once, i cant deal. its like driving a beautiful sleek black (insert luxury vehicle here). the thought of doing it is so great, and you hop right in. then you realize you have no control over the speed, the pressure, nothing. and even though its great looking on the outside, its not on the inside and you want OUT. i want out of this car that i have trapped myself in. i want out of this pressure. i want to go back to not caring.

i feel like im gambling with myself. if i succeed and survive this, its an accomplishment. but chances are slim. and if i dont succeed, its just another fail to my pile or life failures that seems to get bigger and bigger with each passing day.

i guess what im trying to say is instead of letting go i think need to start holding on.