search for the first high

I have been feeling my faith slowly slip between my fingers. And im so scared. I pray every night, but its seems like... like they are meaningless notes to God. And worst of all, as i pray, theres always this doubt in my mind like, "He's not listening," or worse "He doesnt exist." i try so hard to push those thoughts out of my mind, and i want to believe, to have faith. I want the complete surrender to God, that feeling during AE and confirmation 1 retreat. That feeling during Youth Rally and all those days with SLYM. And its confusing. i cant tell if I KNOW hes exists, or if I KNOW i SHOULD know he exists. I guess the only thing im sure of is i want to believe sooooo bad. It reminds me of the info videos from SRC. How they told us that drug addicts are always chasing their first high. Thats how i feel. Im always so empty, always wanting that feeling again, the feeling when i first actually encountered God. And each time i try again, its not the same high as before, its emptier, less lifting.

"Well now you have a burden to write down: Prayer."

I pray that i will find HOPE LOVE AND FAITH again.

I pray i find GOD again.